You are it.

[mangosteen]

rm has put up a posting which I completely agree with and which you should all read, regarding wondering where the party is and where the cool kids are.

Go read it. I'll wait.

I only figured it out a couple of years ago, and I still lapse sometimes, but understanding that the party is where I am, and that to an external observer I might be the cool kid, was one of the most freeing things I ever had the sense to figure out.

Really. Just read it.

Comments

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the essence of a certain Jay McInerney novel.

[feyrieprincess.livejournal.com]

That's funny. I have never felt like that. I have always felt like I was the center of the world and there was always a party happening around me. Hell there IS always a party happening around me. If I had a super power it would be that. Being the party is my life. So I have never felt this thing, others feel.

...maybe there is something wrong with me...

...Nah ;P

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

I came at this from exactly the opposite direction. For most of my life, I desperately wanted to be the cool guy and have there always be a party happening around me -- and for quite a lot of it, there was, even though I never felt particularly 'cool' -- and then a couple years ago I had the moment of zen where I realized that I am cool, and the party is not required for this.

Both the new girlfriend and her parents have remarked that I'm either 'really on', or 'off', and there is no in between. This is an artifact of my moment of zen: prior to that, I was always on, always funny (or at least always trying to be), and always clamoring to be the center of attention of the massive juggernaut of the Party Viking Warrior Clan that constantly surrounded me. Two years ago, I got laid off and started hanging around the corner bar, and a year or so later one of the regulars said to me "you were here for six months before I realized you could TALK."

Acquiring the "I should shut up now" gene was one of those important steps I needed to take, I think. And I'm a lot more comfortable being Quiet Guy Who Knows Everything than I ever was being Hilarious Guy Who's Always Half-Drunk.

Thank you.

[taura-g.livejournal.com]

That was a really awesome post.

Thank you for linking to it.

[awfief.livejournal.com]

Given my ADD, I do that even when I know I *am* the cool kid. That's why truly big parties (like 100+ people) are hard for me.....I'm always looking for something *else*.

It's not out of a lack of self-esteem, it's just distractedness. I have indeed found that the "craving" to look elsewhere diminishes when I have taken my meds.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Frankly, I consider any party that I wasn't invited to, as 'boring' by definition. And so long as I want to be where I am at the moment, that's all I need to be convinced that the party is what I make of it.

But still, it's a great post. Thanks for linking to it.

[fj.livejournal.com]

But mangosteen, you actually are the party. It is always fun around you.

[rikibeth.livejournal.com]

This!

Of course, MANY of my Boston friends carry the party with them wherever they go. I love it.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Sure, but how many of them have internalized that? :-) Some yes, some no, I think.

[meirion.livejournal.com]

Indeed.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

Great essay. My thoughts:

I am not the cool kid.

I hate the cool kids. (Luckily, they don't actually exist, so I don't have to hate anyone.)

But folks like hanging out with me, and I with them, and that's enough for us. And it's better than whatever it was that the 'cool kids' were striving to achieve, or whatever hollow victory can be found by denigrating others' parties.

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

Heh, see, I'm the opposite. I acknowledge that I carry the boring party around with me, and I embrace it and don't get upset if the party involves a stilted conversation or a book in the corner instead of sparkling conversation and fun.

[wolfkitn.livejournal.com]

Lovely! Thanks for the link.

A further thought or two: I think we all have our own versions of this. Mine first really hit me in college, after spending a couple of years mournfully looking at all the intellectuals intellectually spouting their intellectualisms back and forth at each other, and I was keeping quiet, smiling, and thinking... I do not have a DAMN clue what they're talking about. The epiphany occurred when I realised: I do not GIVE A DAMN what they're talking about, because it's *boring* to me. I found my niche; I found my calling; and now I am in the cool kids club... whenever I'm doing something that I enjoy. Different versions of this have occurred over the year, and have helped me become who and what I am: a knitting, dancing, geeky, cooking, baking, sometimes-misfit, sometimes-belle of the ball; and wholly, completely happy with exactly who I am, mistakes and all.

And honestly, this sense of freedom (I agree with your word choice!) has been the most important thing in the world. It's what let me choose what I actually wanted to do when all of my acquaintances and some of my friends were off Arisia-ing or Party-ing or Hunt-ing... and what I wanted to do was have brunch, play Dominion, and watch movies with my lover. Hey, that was cool for me! I'm thrilled that what others did was cool for them.

The motto: Enjoy your life, and make it what works for you.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

I agree and disagree with that essay. The agree is probably obvious enough so I'll skip to the disagree:

You care about the party where you feel like magic, where you make the magic.

Yep, but sometimes that isn't going to happen where you are right now and it's okay to walk away and go someplace else where you do feel it. You aren't obligated to make the most of that place if you don't actually have to be there.

I'll share another not-so-secret secret: the cool places do exist and they tend to be filled with people making their own magic. The boring ones are where everyone is waiting for someone else to do it.

Sometimes the hard part is just knowing which place is which. :)

[siderea]

This.

I get a little irritated at polemics telling me to Be The Party. I don't need to be told that. I already compulsively am the party. What I sometimes want is to not be the only party in the room.

So, yes, there are The Cool Kids -- they're whoever right at that given now is also willing to Be The Party, who are willing to give and not just take, who want to come out and play with me.

[mangosteen]

I get a little irritated at polemics telling me to Be The Party. I don't need to be told that. I already compulsively am the party. What I sometimes want is to not be the only party in the room.

I tend to think of the referenced polemic as one of the ways that your desired situation can happen more often.

[jacflash.livejournal.com]

This.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, I HAVE been to the Cool Party once or twice. Specifically, I was at the party where Jo Walton poured a cola on David Brin's head -- because he truly deserved it.

Never mention this to Jo. She's HUMILIATED that she lost her cool that badly. Even though absolutely everyone else thinks it's wonderful that she did it. (Including Brin's editors. Don't let Brin know that -- they need the smooth working relationship.)

I also got to drink scotch once with all of Looney Labs and Eric S. Raymond.

Plus, I twice got to tend bar at the Zig Labs parties.

So, yeah. I've been to the Cool Kids Parties. They're most of times the ones you're at.

[deguspice.livejournal.com]

Are you still the cool kid, and the focus of the cool party if they try to burn you in effigy? :)

I used be more of a nexus, introducing folks from That Mailing List to friends from work, friends from college, ... But most of those folks have met each other by now. So now I'm more off to the side of that sort of thing (otoh, there's that annual party in January that I help host for just a few of my friends).

[desiringsubject.livejournal.com]

i don't know about all the time, but i know where the party was at lunchtime today

tangential

[cos]

Your reputation may be at the cooler party much more often than you. But eventually, it'll tell you all about it.