cautious optimism, and Class 4 furniture

[mangosteen]

I'm currently brimming with cautious optimism. The Crankiest Teutonic Driving Machine in the Universe appears to be fixed for now. It only took three months and six visits to the dealer, so I guess I should be grateful.

I really wanted to drive the car around a bit, so my sweetie and I decided to go out for a drive up to the northern suburbs (Burlington, MA, to be exact) to run a few errands. It has been a while since I've been to the suburbs as a destination. Strip malls, everywhere. Scary suburban matrons with tortured hair, and monster SUVs that have never seen anything more challenging than a speedbump in a mall parking lot, with a cellphone-wielding driver. Scary stuff. Look, I grew up in the burbs, I know how this works.

So, my sweetie went to a large craft store in this one particular strip mall, so having nothing better to do, and not wanting to sit in the car with a book, I decided to look at the other stores in the mall. Suffice it to say that the mix was remarkably appropriate for a upper-middle class suburban area of 40,000 people , of which the average age is approximately 45, consisting almost entirely of homeowners, with a slight increase younger families over the past 3-5 years.

There happened to be an Ethan Allen furniture store there. Curiosity overcame me, so I walked in, only to be overwhelmed by Class 4 furniture.

Exposition: The Elias K. Mangosteen Furniture Classification System:

• Class 0 - The college years
  
  
  
  • hey, it was free.
    
  • milk crates, door slabs, the nastier trash-picked sofas
    
  • you can leave it at curbside with no tears
    
  
  
• Class 1 - dignity ensues
  
  
  
  • You've got a little bit of money, and the apartment is pretty empty
    
  • My First Futon, the nicer trashpicked stuff, the cheap pine stuff from Ikea
    
  • metroshelving (I don't care if you made a small pet out of the stuff)
    
  • stuff that you buy with an eye towards having it hold up for a few moves.
    
  
  
• Class 2 - stuff that won't break
  
  
  
  • A bit more cash, a bit more taste, and possibly a bit more space
    
  • A real bed (the futon just isn't cutting it)
    
  • A real couch (the futon just isn't cutting it)
    
  • Furniture that might actually coordinate with other pieces (e.g. a kitchen table with matching chairs)
    
  • stuff bought with the assumption that you're not going to be moving for at least a couple of years
    
  
  
• Class 3 - you own the house
  
  
  
  • The nesting instinct switches into high gear.
    
  • Rooms full of furniture that coordinate with each other (e.g. a living or dining room set)
    
  • All the stuff that you never got because it would be such a royal pain to move (e.g. a real headboard and footboard for the bed, a larger couch, a room-size dining room table, etc)
    
  • Furniture where at least some of it is made of solid wood (i.e. no chip-board at all)
    
  • Furniture that is not meant to move (i.e. built-in shelving, other wall units)
    
  
  
• Class 4 - Um, Ethan Allen
  
  
  
  • You own a house, you're not moving, and you're seriously un-poor.
    
  • Unless you have the talent, an interior designer helps out.
    
  • Solid hardwood, and real moo-cow leather.
    
  • The furniture and the room are considered together as a single entity, such that rooms may actually have themes based on the furniture.
    
  • Three words: "Built to last."
    
  
  
• Class 5 - The Deep End
  
  
  
  • An interior designer built it. You just live in it.
    
  • Expensive custom-built stuff.
    
  • Furniture that's based on the theme of the house, not just individual rooms.
    
  • More money than sense, or enough money that it just doesn't matter.
    
  
  
  

With all of that said, Ethan Allen is squarely in the Class 4 furniture category, complete with the four-poster bed in the 'British Colonial Plantation' theme room, with the special staining to make the grain look deeper, and the intentional small nicks and scars on the wood to give it that "in the family for generations" look. This, of course, is right next to the 'Swedish Country House' set of rooms. An interior designer asked me if I needed any 'direction'. A different world this is, I tell you.

One thing that struck me as particularly interesting was all the little things they do to make things more appealing. Sure, there's the lighting, and the music, but they also keep the whole showroom area at a slightly higher air pressure relative to the outside. Think on the order of a tenth of a psi. It keeps the dust off of things. Such is the art and science of selling.

Realization: The Disney Corporation has done one nice thing for me. I am now able to look at "show" areas with a much more analytical eye. I'm just a bit more aware of the psychological game of setting up a space to get reactions out of humans.

Observation: The fact that the store was almost able to make me forget that I'm standing inside a big box in a strip mall is quite impressive. There's probably something clever to be said about how this represents how Americans have turned in on themselves in order to forget about the civic impoverishment endemic to the suburbs, but I'll think about it a bit more.

Comments

[awfief.livejournal.com]

I'm in class 2, but want to jump to class 4.

mycroft is at class 4. Jordan's furniture is the same way. Did you see any solid wood bookcases? mycroft wants some, but home decorators doesn't have them and neither does Jordan's.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

We're pretty solidly in Class 4 at this point, though we're still exploring the alternatives like doing our own furniture refinishing or building things that better fit our vision than what a store will provide. (Class 3 with splinters?)

Jordans does have solid wood bookcases, though you probably need to go out to the Framingham store to see them. More local to you is Circle Furniture down by Alewife; prices are about the same. A decent wood 70" bookcase at either place is in the neighborhood of $500-$600. Given we need at least five, we're considering other options.

If you want to see a real furniture Disney, you've got to do the run out to the Framingham Jordans. It's a monsterous neon-lit multimedia extravaganza. The main thoroughfare of the store (just saying "main thoroughfare" should give you a sense of scale) is a recreation of Bourbon St. New Orleans. Every hour on the hour is a gigantic Mardi Gras spectacle featuring audioanimatronic Beatles, Elvis, the Village People, several blow-up dolls, a 15+ foot Satchmo and, of course, Barry and Elliot, all accompanied by humiliated high school students standing in Mardi-Gras beads playing the tambourine. It's straight out of American Gods :)

Misread

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Downgrade us to Class 3, with occasional Class 2 DIY tendencies. Ethan Allen is...well, scary. :)

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Those places scare me. They just scream "decadent Westerners need to feel the wrath of our mighty god!"