...and bind them in the darkness

[mangosteen]

The "rules for yourself" posting got a lot of fascinating thoughts and comments. Many thanks to those who contributed.

Here's part two.

Query: What's the worst and/or least effective rule you've ever made up for yourself?

Extra Credit: How long ago did you get rid of it (if you have), and what did it keep you from doing?

I've turned anonymous posting on and IP logging off for this post for the next 72 hours (through Tuesday morning).



"If I really want to do/have something, and I don't have the explicit approval of an external party, it's clearly because I haven't thought it through enough, and it's just going to blow up in my face."

I've had that one since I was learning to drive and.... yeah, you can probably guess the rest. I only ditched it a couple of years ago when I realized that there is no adult supervision in this world, and living in vague fear of my own abilities was no way to go through life.

Comments

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

"Work out for an hour in the gym every day." It lasted about two days before I realized I found enforced workouts exceptionally boring.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

My worst rule, which I observed fairly strictly until I was at least 17 or so, and periodically thereafter, was "I am not allowed to lean on my friends or family in times of stress."

Bad rule. Really bad. It kept me from communicating effectively, it encouraged me to bottle up stress and frustration, and it meant that no one knew that something was wrong until I had completely resolved the situation, or it had gotten beyond the point where I could fix it alone.

I credit cadhla with teaching me the error of my ways, though you helped too, and so did akawil.

[(Anonymous)]

"don't date anybody whose partner is crazy."

Okay, this isn't a bad rule and i still have it... but it failed spectacularly and dramafully twice in practice, in situations where even in hindsight i don't know what i reasonably could have done to avoid it, and i'm still kind of bitter about that.

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

I met someone I found very attractive, but avoided said person for several years because many people told me about the craziness of said person's crazy spouse.

Lately I've been spending more time (and ,,spending more time,,) with said person, and it's been a delight. I've learned in the mean time that it's very important to make my own assessments about the craziness of a partner and about the safety of interacting with a person.

<3

[drwex]

your use of ,, delights me

[muffyjo]

Bad rule: "Other people take precedence to my needs because I am very fortunate and have everything I need so it's ok."

Somehow figuring out my needs and getting those met got left out of that one. Bad idea. That rule left me feeling even emptier and lonelier (plus a side case of feeling used).

Now I'm kinder to me and others by being more aware of my own needs, making sure they are met, and then being able to give more freely and honestly.

[rosefox]

I don't think I have any of those, actually.

[boxcat.livejournal.com]

"I need to conform to $ex's idea of what love and a primary relationship ought to be like."

I got rid of it 4-and-a-bit years ago, and it kept me from being mentally healthy, happy and with the people who really did love and care for me.

[cathijosephine.livejournal.com]

I am responsible for my own happiness.

That sounds like a great rule, right? Only I took it so far I failed to give other people the opportunity to accommodate my needs and wants.

When problems cropped up in romantic relationships, I would ask myself "what can I do about this?" Since I can only change myself, the answer boiled down to "I can either live with it or leave." This resulted in putting up with things that bothered me right up to the point where I was ready to end the relationship.

I haven't completely gotten rid of it, but the rule is slowly fading into "Ask for what I want, but be ready to leave if I don't get what I need."

[fj.livejournal.com]

"Listen to your gut."

One day, I started taking inventory of my gut feelings and outcomes. 50% correct rate. My instincts about what will be fun or terrible or will work out or not are terrible.

[(Anonymous)]

"It is your responsibility to love and fix someone who has deep personal flaws and issues. If you love them enough, you can fix them. If they aren't fixed, you have to try harder."

I dated a series of people who had serious issues. When I was involved with the final one, I developed a substance abuse problem to cope with his emotional and physical abuse. I lost my job and most of my friendships as a result of the relationship.

Finally, my father said to me, "I have to say that if this were the olden days and he asked my permission to marry you, I'd say no." I broke up with the guy that day. It left my parents wishing they'd said it sooner - apparently my dad was convinced that I would walk out and never speak to my family again if they said anything against the boyfriend. Ironically, I was sticking it out because my mom had always told me how she'd changed my dad and you could change anyone if you just loved them enough.

Getting rid of this rule meant that I called it quits with my husband when he would have stuck it out (and I would have stuck it out, too) until we hated each other, and perhaps beyond. He's now in a better relationship for him, and I'm in a better relationship for me.

(I would have posted this non-anonymously, but this post isn't locked and I don't want employers etc. stumbling onto this story.)

[apostle-of-eris.livejournal.com]

This is a little bit meta, but one of my most valuable lessons about how NOT to frame an intention or resolution is to make it an absolute, like a proverbial New Year's Resolution, so that the first time you slip up, you broke it and it's ruined and you *FAILED*. "I'm going to stop drinking carbonated corn syrup" is a good idea, except that the first time I have a Coke I broke it. "I'm going to cut down my carbonated corn syrup by 90%" works a whole lot better.

[(Anonymous)]

Never let anyone in. Never show emotion. Never give up personal information. If you do it will be used against you at some future time.

Got rid of it approximately 5-10 years ago. It kept kept strangers from becoming acquaintances, acquaintances from becoming friends, and friends from becoming something more to me.

[glib-dichotomy.livejournal.com]

As a means of managing a healthy diet "Only eat red meat once a week" and other variations of meat-to-veg and dessert rules.

Completely useless as a rule for me, as I forget, or play tricky games with time that only outfox myself.

[42itous.livejournal.com]

A few months ago, I decided I wasn't going to buy meat -- not as a permanent rule, but to see how it felt and how long I could keep it up. I was allowed to eat meat at parties or if someone else decided to order it at a restaurant and offered to share with me. The idea was to be more conscious of how much meat I eat on a regular basis. And in that sense, it worked. I learned that I occasionally feel sorry for myself when the people around me are eating, say, shwarma and I'm eating falafel.

But then after about a month, I was walking through Central Square and I came to a man who was begging, sitting on the sidewalk with a cup in below-freezing temperatures. I don't give street people money, but if they want food I'm more than happy to buy it for you. He said he wanted money for a sandwich, so I said I'd buy him a sandwich. As we went into a nearby sub shop, I said, "Get something warm! No, get whatever you want." He got a meatball sub and a coke, and I paid, and he thanked me, and I went on my way. Only after I'd walked on several blocks did I realize, I'd just bought my first meat in a month -- and I wasn't sorry.

Now I do buy meat, but only when I'm meat-hungry: otherwise, I opt for vegetarian alternatives a lot more often than I used to.

Found this in an old tab...

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

And the comments are fascinating. Thank you for posting this. ;-)

I couldn't actually think of a rule I'd made up for myself, but my mother always told my sister and me to never, ever depend on man for anything. Always be completely independent. My sister has followed that rule and I have not. And I honestly think that I'm the happier for it.

The irony? Is that my mother herself no longer follows that rule, now that's she's in a happy and stable marriage. But my sister internalized the rule so thoroughly that she continues to follow it and looks down derisively on our Mom for changing her tune.